i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
