people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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