drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
