Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
