Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
