her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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