she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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