Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
