I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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