A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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