on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
