yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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