apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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