I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You pole danced in your parka.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
