I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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