his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
