How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
