Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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