Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
