cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
