i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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