i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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