yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
