jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
