I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
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There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
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I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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