I looked at my own cervix.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
