the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
