I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
