Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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