Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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