Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
