Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
