Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
