you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
