I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
