my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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