I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
