Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
