I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
