Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
