I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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