Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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