I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
