i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
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I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
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Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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