my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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