Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.