so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
