My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.