Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
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Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
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Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
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