Please, let me fuck your mom
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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