Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just cropdusted the office
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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