come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
