Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
