I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
